DN: [states to Walter Newcomb] I am supposed to be interviewing you.
WN: You asked me if I could help you with your interview skills and I invited you here.
DN: And you want me to interview your soda cup?
WN: Yes. Your Ivy League professors will never come up with something this clever to expand your creativity. Besides, no one wants to hear about me anyway. They all want to know about the cup.
DN: How am I supposed to do this?
WN: [leaving the room] You’ll figure it out. Later dude.
DN: This is ________!
Walt’s Cup: Walt usually types in “(expletive deleted)” when someone says that.
DN: Who said that?
WC: Why don’t you start by asking some questions?
DN: [jumping back] Holy ____! Cups don’t talk!
WC: Of course cups talk. Any plastic container can talk.
DN: [screaming] Newk!!! Where are you and how are you making that voice come out of this cup?
WC: It isn’t he, it is me. I am the cup! And you can tell it isn’t Walt, he’s got a Long Island accent.
DN: [stands up] I am losing my mind.
WC: You better calm down and change your mind before Walt gets back and you lose this interview.
DN: [sits back down, shaking] Where do I start?
WC: Where does any interview start?
DN: [taken back] Hey, I’ll ask the questions.
WC: We’ll see about that.
DN: You said that all plastic containers talk. Do you talk to other plastic containers?
WC: Sure.
DN: Where are you from?
WC: I’m from Pittston, Pennsylvania.
DN: Did Walt get you there?
WC: No, that was where I was made at Letica Plastics.
DN: Where did he find you?
WC: Where anyone would find a container like myself, at a convenience store.
DN: What convenience store?
WC: I can’t tell you.
DN: [perplexed] Why not?
WC: About thirty years ago this plastic container got us all into big trouble. He started talking in commercials about butter and some brand name margarine.
DN: [proud to remember] Ohhh, you mean Parkay?
WC: You said it, not me. That’s why most of us won’t talk to any plastic containers that have dairy products in them. We’re not supposed to use brand names.
DN: But you do talk to other containers?
WC: Yes.
DN: I notice that you have a nice white lid and a green straw.
WC: The lid’s name is Ernie. I don’t know anything about him being white.
DN: What is your name?
WC: I don’t have one. Walt named the lid Ernie because he reminds him of an old teammate who could keep his mouth shut.
DN: Would you mind if I ask Ernie a question or two?
WC: Knock yourself out. You’re not going to get anything out of him.
DN: Ernie, what is it like in Pittston?
WC: First off, he’s not going to answer you. Secondly, he’s not from Pittston and I don’t think he has ever been there.
DN: [puzzled] He’s not?
WC: No, he is from Indiana.
DN: So he’s a Hoosier?
WC: I thought that was a racing tire?
DN: [smiling] Yes it could be but a Hoosier is also what someone from Indiana might be called.
WC: Well that would make him a Hoosier I guess. He came from Berry plastics in Evansville, Indiana.
DN: [amazed] How do you know all this stuff?
WC: Walt told me.
DN: Walt told you?
WC: Well, he didn’t tell me. I just overheard it in conversation.
DN: [shaking his head] This is crazy.
WC: How do you think I feel? That guy talks everywhere. He talks to himself. He even talks in his sleep.
DN: [sigh] What do you think about your markings?
WC: I don’t know much about my markings. I can’t read. I don’t have eyes.
DN: This is ridiculous.
WC: Not as ridiculous as your haircut.
DN: [runs his fingers through his hair] What’s wrong with my haircut? I thought you didn’t have eyes?
WC: I trust Walt’s opinion. He thinks that’s some kind of 80’s doo.
DN: [almost offended] It is not.
WC: Hey, he said it.
DN: You trust Walt?
WC: I said, I trust his opinion, and yes I trust Walt.
DN: Well, well, well…Why do you trust Walt?
WC: Why wouldn’t I?
DN: [determined to take control of the interview] I’ll ask the questions.
WC: Hey, most plastic containers are used once and thrown away. Most of the other cups at the store got thrown away. Some of them were thrown away before they were even used. That’s why I trust Walt; he gave me a chance to be around for a while.
DN: So do you feel special?
WC: Walt always treats me like I am special.
DN: [smiling] What’s so special about hanging around with him?
WC: It’s not that special but, that guy takes me everywhere.
DN: Everywhere? Where have you gone?
WC: He takes me to work, he takes me to jobsites, he takes me to the races, he even takes me on airplane rides.
DN: Airplane rides? [amazed that he figured out] Oh I guess that means you have been to Florida?
WC: Yes. And Walt’s girlfriend is the best.
DN: Why do you say that she is the best?
WC: Well…Walt is a great guy, and he treats me pretty well but, he’s a real slob. Vicki always washes me and that’s pretty cool.
DN: [grossed out] Walt doesn’t wash you?
WC: Don’t tell him that. I mean sometimes he’ll rinse me out but that’s it.
DN: So you like going to Florida?
WC: I like being in Florida. Vicki’s great. She cleans me, she’s got air conditioning in her place and there’s the swimming pool there. I always have a great time down there; I just don’t like going there.
DN: Are you afraid of flying?
WC: No. I hate going through the security screening at the airport.
DN: [puzzled] Why is that?
WC: Sometimes it’s not that bad. They’ll let Walt take me through the metal detector. But I hate going through the x-ray machine.
DC: [confused] Why does the x-ray machine trouble you?
WC: Hey that thing is awful. It smells in there, the x-rays are painful and the sounds in there are excruciating.
DC: [stupefied] X-rays are painful to plastic?
WC: You bet. Not as bad as gamma rays but x-rays are really painful.
DN: [dumbfounded] I’ve been flying for a long time and I have never heard those machines make any loud noises.
WC: The noises those machines make are at frequencies that humans and even dogs can’t hear.
DN: [amazed] For real?
WC: Oh, it’s bad and the worst part about it isn’t even the noise that the machines make.
DN: What is?
WC: You know those plastic bins that they send through those x-ray machines over and over? They’ve got it bad. They get bombarded with x-rays, deal with the noise from the machines, people put their stinky shoes in them and people are constantly touching them with their filthy little hands.
DN: How do you know about that?
WC: Oh those guys a crying all day. I can hear them from outside the airport and Walt arrives so early for flights that I have to listen to that stuff for hours while he waits to board the plane.
DN: Are their some plastic containers that have it better than others?
WC: There are some that think they have it better than the rest of us.
DN: Really?
WC: Yes. All of those soft drink containers think they’ve got it made. Most of them are full of hot air. They brag about how cool they are, especially the clear ones. They think they are special. They have no idea what they are headed for.
DN: And what is that?
WC: Well in most of the states in the northeast they have recycling laws and bottle deposits. Most of Walt’s bottles all meet the same fate.
DN: And what is that?
WC: Walt’s brother Pete takes them in to redeem the deposit at the supermarket. Those guys are headed for the shredder.
DN: [encouraging] Maybe they’ll get reground and come back as a cup like you?
WC: I doubt it.
DN: [stumped] Why is that?
WC: I was made out of 100% virgin high density polyethylene. I am recyclable but I am not made from recycled product.
DN: [rolls his eyes] Now how would you know that?
WC: I overheard that at Letica during a tour they were running at the plant in Pittston.
DN: You said earlier that Walt takes you to the races?
WC: Yes. I like going to the races. I get a lot of attention there.
DN: You get attention at the races?
WC: Oh yeah. People are always taking pictures of me and talking about me. In fact I should have my own hero cards.
DN: [flabbergasted] What would you do with a hero card? You can’t read. You wouldn’t be able to sign them. What’s up with that?
WC: We can all dream, can’t we?
DN: Is there anything you don’t like about the races?
WC: Yes. Those tires, it doesn’t matter whether they are Goodyear, Hoosier or American Racer or any other brand, they talk trash all day.
DN: [amazed] Tires talk too?
WC: Only when they are mounted on rims.
DN: [puzzled (again)] Why is that?
WC: I’d guess that it’s because that’s the only time that they actually become a container. Those guys have filthy mouths and they are always complaining.
DN: Do street tires talk too?
WC: Street tires might talk but I can’t say that I have ever heard one say a word. They’re probably a lot like Ernie.
DN: Do you get along with Ernie?
WC: Now Damien, that’s a good question. I think Ernie is great. I am not sure how he feels about me but think the feeling would be mutual. I have never actually heard Ernie speak. I don’t know whether he can because he’s not a container, he’s just a lid.
DN: [shaking his head] I still think this is weird.
WC: Well try asking some questions that might be more relevant to me.
DN: [sigh] What does Walt fill you with?
WC: There you go! Another good question! I have to be careful here, because I’m not allowed to mention the brand name. Walt fills me with a diet carbonated cola beverage that is manufactured by a company that is based in Atlanta, Georgia.
DN: Diet Coke?
WC: Damien, you said that, not me.
DN: Does he put anything else in you?
WC: Occasionally he adds ice.
DN: Does he fill you often?
WC: All day long. In fact it kind of worries me right now. This is one of the longest periods of time that we have been apart since he bought me.
DN: What’s the longest you two have been apart?
WC: Probably about an hour.
DN: When was that?
WC: That was at the racetrack in New Hampshire.
DN: New Hampshire International Speedway?
WC: You said it, not me.
DN: What happened then?
WC: He went off to do some interviews. He left me in the Media Center.
DN: Did it worry you that he was gone?
WC: No. but I did get a scare.
DN: You did?
WC: Yeah, one of the maintenance people in there wanted to throw me away. That other big guy, Dave Meredith, he saved me from the trash bin.
DN: And that scared you?
WC: I was a little apprehensive there for a moment.
DN: What scares you?
WC: Walt’s cooler.
DN: [puzzled again] Walt’s cooler? Why is that?
WC: I told you he is a slob. He never washes that thing. It’s icky in there.
DN: [winces, grossed out again] Does he put you in there often?
WC: Usually it’s only when he takes me to the track. But that’s why he gets the green straws.
DN: He gets the green straws to go to the racetrack?
WC: No, silly…he gets the green straws because they fit inside the cooler with me.
DN: [puzzled again] I don’t understand that.
WC: Of course you don’t. That’s why you’ll probably become the President of some big company and make everybody who works there miserable.
DN: [offended] Why are you angry at me?
WC: I’m not angry with you. You just have no common sense.
DN: [(expletive deleted) off] I don’t get it.
WC: Of course you don’t. I am a sixty-four ounce cup. That means I hold a half gallon of liquid. People usually cover a cup like mine at the convenience store with a cheap cellophane lid and use an orange straw.
DN: [puzzled about Walt] An orange straw? Why doesn’t Walt use an orange straw? Is he Irish?
WC: You’re dumber than you look. Wouldn’t it make sense that the orange straws are too long to fit in Walt’s cooler.
DN: Walt says I look dumb?
WC: Everybody says you look dumb.
DN: [smoke coming out of his ears] But, you’re scared of being in Walt’s cooler.
WC: Hey, once you’re in there, you’re in there. It’s probably like taking a bath to you. But, I can have a descent conversation in the cooler. It’s better than talking to you.
DN: [amazed] Really?
WC: Talking to you is like talking to a brick.
DN: [offended] Who would talk to you in the cooler?
WC: The cooler has been around for several years. And there’s usually a bottle of soda or two in there to talk to as well.
DN: [he read the label] So he bought you at 7-eleven.
WC: Boy, you’re just a rocket scientist aren’t you?
DN: [upset] Why don’t you like me?
WC: [speaking to someone else] He said it. I didn’t.
DN: What?
WC: [speaking to someone else] I promise. I won’t do it again.
DN: [listen to me] What? Won’t do what?
WC: What, what, what…what are you a three watt light bulb?
DN: [irritated] You’re beginning to…
WC: [interrupting] Your salad bowl is screaming at me about mentioning brand names.
DN: [in shock] My Tupperware bowl?
WC: You said it, not me.
DN: [surprised] My Tupperware bowl speaks.
WC: All plastic containers speak.
DN: [disappointed] How come I can’t hear him?
WC: I don’t know but your bowl is a she.
DN: [shocked] What?
WC: That’s what she’s telling me.
DN: [aggravated] You’re full of ____!
WC: I told you that Walter usually types “(expletive deleted)” when someone talks like that. Stop using filthy language in front of her.
DN: [apologetic] I’m sorry.
WC: You sure are but your salad bowl is too.
DN: [huh] Why is that?
WC: Because she’s full of (expletive deleted).
DN: [insulted and losing it] So it’s okay for you to talk like that?
WC: You’re the one who put mayonnaise and seafood into her.
DN: [puzzled] And what’s wrong with that?
WC: Nothing’s wrong with that as long as you keep it refrigerated. She’s full of (expletive deleted).
DN: [embarrassed] You keep on saying that it’s a she?
WC: She’s probably a she because she’s a pastel color or something like that.
DN: [pleasantly surprised] For real?
WC: Yes.
DN: [deadpan] Has she stopped screaming at you.
WC: Yes. In fact she’s saying very nice things to me now.
DN: [in the spirit of na na nana na] What about the brand names that she was screaming at you about before that.
WC: Hey, I apologized about that to her earlier. Did you have to bring that up?
DN: [puzzled] I don’t remember you mentioning brand names.
WC: You’re such a dope. I told you the name of the company that made me.
DN: [amazingly he remembers] Letica?
WC: You said it, not me!
DN: [uh huh] And what else?
WC: I told you brand names of tires.
DN: [I think I am a tire guy] Hoosier, Goodyear and American Racer?
WC: He said it, not me!
WC: [wrapping up] And I told you who made Ernie.
DN: Berry Plastics?
WC: [yelling] You dog you!
DN: [startled] What?
WC: She’s not a she because of her color.
DN: [did I get caught?] She’s not?
WC: No. She is a she because you named her Gert!
DN: [caught with his hand in the salad bowl] I did not!
WC: Well that’s what she said.
DN: [thinking cover-up] She’s lying.
WC: She says that if she was lying she’d be a lion in the circus.
DN: [change the subject] So you guys are getting along now?
WC: I think she likes me.
DN: [don’t go there] You’re ______ up!
WC: I told you to stop using that language in front of her!
DN: [ashamed] I’m sorry.
WC: I’m sure you are but, I’m not.
DN: [huh] You’re not?
WC: Nope. Gert wants to go out on a date!
DN: [he admits it] Her name is Sharon.
Damien’s Salad Bowl: [laughing] I told you!
DN: [leaps to his feet] I’m going crazy!
WC: [laughing] You named your salad bowl after a girl who wouldn’t go out with you!
DN: [ashamed] No I did not!
DSB: [snorting] Yes he did!
WC: [roaring] You’re the only person I know who is more pathetic than Walt!
WN: [returning to the room] How are you doing Damien?
DN: [walking in circles] Dude, I am like freaking out!
WN: Calm down man. It’s just a cup.
DN: [stomping] They’re driving me crazy!
WN: Who is driving you crazy?
DN: [goose stepping] Both of them!
WN: Both of who? What did you get some phone calls while I was gone?
DN: No it’s him [pointing at Walt’s cup] and her [pointing at Damien’s Tupperware bowl].
WN: [rubbing Damien’s shoulders] Just chill out man. Breathe in, breathe out. You’re going to be okay.
DN: You didn’t hear that?!
WN: Hear what?
DN: Your cup just called you a fat (expletive deleted)!
WN: [rolling his eyes] Really? I think you had too much coffee this morning or something.
DN: I’m just like you, I don’t drink coffee! You’re welcome.
WN: To whom are you saying, “You’re welcome”?
DN: [screaming] Your _______ cup!
WN: Calm down before I call the guys with the butterfly nets and put you into a rubber room.
DN: [breathing excessively fast] I’ve had enough!
WN: Are you ready to do the interview?
DN: [screaming] What interview? I already did one!
WN: Who did you interview?
DN: [screaming and hyperventilating] Your ______ cup!
WN: Good. Now you can interview me and we can have it for one of the Getting to Know You 2 articles. Hey, you’ve got a good bunch of notes here.
DN: [despondent] You’re (expletive deleted) up!
WN: This is great stuff! Who is Gert?
DN: [screaming scared] Her name is Sharon and I am taking her with me!
WN: Wait! Can I use these notes to write an article? I’ll give you credit for it.
DN: [screaming and crying] You can use those notes to wipe your sorry (expletive deleted) off with for all I care. WN: Do you speak English?
DN: [leaving the room] (expletive deleted) you!
WN: Apparently he likes French.
WC: Can you get me a date with Gert?
WN: Damien says her name is Sharon.
WC: Her name is Gert and she’s got the hots for me!
WN: Chill out. What about your other girlfriend?
WC: The cooler? She’s great but she’s filthy.
WC: C’mon Walt, Gert really digs me.
WN: Not now. I just washed the cooler. Now I’m going to give you and Ernie a bath and we’ll all head to the track together.
WC: Hoooray!!!
WN: Thanks for calling me a fat (expletive deleted).
WC: I’m sorry. But it sure blew that poor kid’s gasket.